


Dropped My Cassette Tape in the Bathtub

by ObliqueOptimism



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Implied/Referenced Torture, Not Beta Read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-24
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-02-17 21:49:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21550306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObliqueOptimism/pseuds/ObliqueOptimism
Summary: Klaus is getting really tired of getting kidnapped0/10 would not recommend.
Comments: 29
Kudos: 452





	Dropped My Cassette Tape in the Bathtub

**Author's Note:**

> well this happened. it was fun to write. (down to 13 google docs of wips!)

They were at it again. The Umbrella Academy Kids. ~~Excuse you, they’re adults now.~~ They were much more likely to be punched in the face as an adult.

Punched in the face, kidnapped _again_ , tortured _again_ , all because most of the stupid family thought it would be a fun romp to fulfill Sir Reginald Hargreeve’s dastardly plans even though he was a peice of shit. 

Well he was right about the apocalypse you might say.

He wasn’t right about drugging and locking up kids though!

 ~~Oh, so it was just the one mistake then~~.

It didn’t really matter, in the long run. Why or how this came about. Only it did. And once again, Number Four, Klaus Hargreeves, was paying the price.

He woke up groggily, head pounding, feeling like shit. Not exactly the first time he’d been in this sorry state but _it had been a while_. He really hadn’t missed it. It wasn’t like he went to bed at night thinking: oh boy-oh I wish to wake up feeling like someone smashed my face with a hammer. _A fist you say?_ Are you sure? Sure felt like a hammer. ~~He’d know, after all.~~

No. He actually liked waking up with soft sunlight in his eyes, being able to throw a blanket over his head and doze for a half an hour before finally getting up and stretching and scratching his belly before going down and going to the bathroom and not worrying if he was going to piss blood or not. 

10/10 would recommend.

0/10 would not recommend what was happening now. 

“He’s waking up boss,” a gruff voice was heard. An underling, a minion, an Igor type character. 

Klaus felt his teeth up, like he’d often been felt up, only he was looking for broken teeth, not or sex. ~~Make sure you cover your teeth, or I’ll punch one out.~~ He was good at checking for broken or loose teeth. 

100% all clear, good to go! Teeth were a-okay! 

“I see that, _thank you,_ ” a second voice. This boss person. The one with the plans. Look out, here comes the boss, get on your best behavior.

Klaus laughed. He’d been doing so good at his best behavior. Cleaned up his act a bit (got clean). Sure, he still annoyed everyone and they found other things to nitpick now that he was sober but it wasn’t like he expected anything else. That morning he’d made them all breakfast and _didn’t_ burn the kitchen _nor_ the food. Double win! Less a win was that Luther was allergic to cinnamon.

 _That had been an ordeal_.

He had been nice! He wasn’t trying to murder his brother!

Uh-oh, Spaghetti-O’s!

“Klaus? May I call you that?” Boss said.

Klaus shrugged with his full body. He was tied up. ~~Kinky.~~ His body ached. _Aw man, he was going to piss blood._ Just like the good ol’ days. He wasn’t sitting. He’d rather be sitting when tortured. Hands over your head and tied together hanging off a hook was no fun, _at all_. 

His toes brushed the ground.

“Listen,” Klaus slurred, “I don’t know if really matters what you call me in a situation like this. But normally when I find myself tied up all pretty they don’t call me _Klaus._ ” No, they were usually more into name calling. Which, whatever got their rocks off was fine by him. Especially if they didn’t switch it up a lot. ~~There was that gal who liked to switch from being sweet to mean multiple times in a scene and it really confused him. Why’d she do that? He’s used his safe word. Why didn’t she stop? It wasn’t fun.~~ This wasn’t fun. “I’m not having fun right now. You’re not a great host.”

“I don’t need you to be having fun, Klaus. You’re bait,” Boss chuckled.

Klaus barked out a laugh. ~~His chest hurt.~~ “The Umbrella Academy doesn’t pay ransoms. And it’s not like they’d pay for me anyway.” _His chest hurt._ Klaus, upon remembering that time he was kidnapped and tortured for information, had brought up kidnapping and it had been agreed that ransoms wouldn’t be paid. They were all fuck all rich now that daddy died and it was a possibility. Mind, Klaus didn’t bring up the idea with ransoms but more of the general _Hi, I’m Klaus Hargreeves and I have trauma_ way but the conversation had turned into random worry. 

He had shut up.

He didn’t need to bring the conversation back to the idea of them checking up on him after fights to see if he was taken like Liam Neeson’s kid from those movies. He needed to be like Elsa and let it go.

But then _this_ happened.

“We don’t want money. Weren’t you _listening_?” Boss’s hand flashed out and smacked Klaus. Hard. His ears were ringing. 

Check! Those! Teeth!

100% all clear, good to go! Teeth were a-okay! 

“You’re bait, Klaus,” Boss took a tip from that woman he’d remembered a moment ago as they then gently stroked the side of his face. As if saying they were sorry. They weren’t sorry. They whispered in his ear, as if a lover, “The Umbrella Academy is coming to get you, and we’ll be ready for them. You know that, don’t you? How you will be their downfall as they come rushing to save you?”

Klaus’s grin felt sharp, “You’ve got a great start to come stand-up comedy there.” Boss took a step back as Klaus let out a loud laugh. ~~His chest hurt.~~ “You think they’d come for me? You really think they’d notice I’m gone? As I told the last people who kidnapped and tortured me, _you’ve got the wrong one._ ” He laughed again. “You fucked up and got the fuck up!” _His chest hurt._

“Oh?”

Klaus idly looked around for Ben. 

Even Ben didn’t want to see this.

_His chest hurt._

“I’m the drug addict with no useful powers. I accidentally almost killed Luther this morning! I take all their belongings and keep them or sell them or hide them because that’s funny. No one likes me, my friend. _Least of all me._ I am no one special to them. They’ve _never_ noticed when I was gone. No one thought: where is Klaus? Is he in the mausoleum again? The hospital? Rehab? Did he even come home last night or is he dealing with the aftermath of his first of many _sexual assaults_ after waking up in his own blood?

“They have made it clear how little they think about me. _Care about me._ They are playing happy families but I am only part of the family because I can bring Ben back. We all know that. No talking to the long lost one without the _lost one_. Which I can’t even do right most of the time, more’s the pity. No one will care what happened to me. No one will miss me. _No one will mourn me._ So, my darling, you may as well kill me now so god can tell me how shitty I am again because. They. Aren’t. Coming.”

He was greeted with Igor’s fist to his face.

Felt like getting hit with a hammer again.

He woke a length of time later.

This time he was laying down on something soft. _How nice._

Someone’s hand was combing through his hair. 

10/10.

Taking a moment before opening his eyes to see, hopefully, Dave in the afterlife where they could be together, he checked his teeth.

100% all clear, good to go! Teeth were a-okay! 

Then he realized he heard a quiet conversation nearby and it wasn’t Dave.

Too bad.

So sad.

His head was on Allison’s lap. Chances were it was her hands going through his hair. He was in the back of the car. His feet were on Vanya. The movement of the car was relaxing. Soft music was playing. He was warm. Allison smelled nice. Letting out a small hum he closed his eyes again.

Very unexpected. 

But very nice.

He was going to keep his mouth shut as long as he could so as not to upset anyone. As soon as they realized he was awake they probably would yell at him for getting kidnapped again. _You are the weakest link. ~~Goodbye.~~_

But he was stupid, ~~obviously~~ and had hummed happily.

“Klaus?” Allison asked, her voice low and soothing. 

The quiet conversation from the front of the car stopped.

Opps! His fault!

“Not here right now. Please leave a message and good ol’ Klausy will get back to you later,” Klaus murmured.

“Do you really think that?” Five asked.

“I’m sorry, brother mine. You must be more specific. See, I was just unconscious so I don’t know to what you are referring to,” Klaus opened his eyes back up. Allison stopped running her hands through his hair and he let out a sad noise. 

She was an angel, honest, because she smiled gently and started back up.

9/10 due to the conversation that was about to happen.

“They had sent us a video feed. Of you,” Luther said after a moment’s pause.

“Huh?” Klaus was confused. A video feed?

“The kidnappers. Sent to our phones through yours. They had us watch as they--” Vanya paused, collecting herself. “We were on our way to get you when you woke up.”

_His chest hurt._

“Man, what you said-- Klaus did you really think we wouldn’t come get you?” Diego sounded gutted.

Klaus turned his face towards Allison’s body, trying to hide as best he could. How rude! He didn't want this conversation when he couldn’t run away.

Forget 9/10 it was 1/10.

1 better than physical torture.

“I know in the past we’ve not been there for each other. For you,” Allison said, hand still combing his hair, putting him a little bit at ease. How manipulative! “But we love you Klaus. All of us.”

_His chest hurt._

“Listen to them,” Ben said. “They noticed right away that you were taken. Started questioning the others. They didn’t forget you this time Klaus.”

“We didn’t forget you, Klaus.” Allison said, unbeknownst to her that she was quoting Ben. “We’re sorry we made you think you couldn’t rely on us. Or talk to us. We don’t just keep you around for Ben. _We love you._ ”

“I know you didn’t try to kill me this morning,” Luther said.

“Not the time,” Five growled out.

“You matter, Klaus. To us. Okay?” Allison asked. “I’m sorry that we made you think otherwise.”

_His chest hurt._

A sniffle. God, he was a baby. He was crying. Getting Allison’s shirt all wet while she was being _nice_ and _kind_ and ~~telling lies~~ saying they loved him.

“They came for you,” Ben said.

Allison started with some soothing noises, using her free hand to rub his back. “We’re sorry Klaus. We love you. We’ll always come for you.”

“That does not mean we want you to get kidnapped!” Luther explained.

“Of course not. But if it happens again. _Please_ don’t ask them to just kill you already. Don’t give up hope. _We’re coming to get you._ ”

They? Noticed he was taken?

They? Came for him?

They? Loved him?

11/10 would be higher but they trapped him in a car and let him cry and ~~his chest hurt~~.

But they noticed he was taken.

They came for him.

They loved him.

**Author's Note:**

> obliqueoptimsim @ tumblr


End file.
